Grown men should not wear saddle shoes

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m no expert on golf fashion or style. (As evidence, I’ll point to that outstanding image of myself wearing the cheap purple nylon pullover next to these words. I bought that fine garment at a flea market years ago. Enough said.)

Here’s another admission: I enjoy reading opinions about golf fashion because it opens another interesting window into the wonderful world of golf. Publications like Golfweek and Golf Digest cover fashion and style often, both in print and on their respective websites. And the LPGA Tour website used to have a regular feature called “Style Watch.”

Most entertaining are the fashion experts – I’ll just call them columnists – who lay down hard and fast apparel rules for all players. I think that’s silly when we all have different body types, clothing budgets, tastes and color preferences, not to mention the fact that we also play different golf courses in unique climates.

Everyone is entitled to his or her own fashion opinions, right? So I came up with 10 golf fashion rules of my own. Adhere to them at your own risk.

They are:

Rule No. 1: Grown men should not wear saddle shoes under any circumstances. They look silly on adults. Just my opinion.

Rule No. 2: Plus fours are classy and look cool. Sadly, I’ve never worn a pair.

Rule No. 3: Wide latitude – literally and figuratively – should be given in the area of golf shirts. I’m not bothered by oversized golf shirts or shirts that are not tucked in, as so many of the real fashion experts are. I also don’t mind it when women expose their midsections during the golf swing for the same reason: Because freedom of movement is key in golf. Which leads us to …

Rule No. 4: Comfort beats style. Many will disagree with this one – like anyone who actually takes golf fashion seriously – but golf is first and foremost an athletic pursuit. Unless getting picked up is your ultimate goal, wear clothes that allow you to swing the club freely. You can always change before swinging into the 19^th hole.

Rule No. 5: If some little hottie coed waitress from the local community college can’t pull off the shorts-so-short-I-can-barely-walk look, then what chance do you have? (You know who you are.) I’m calling this the “Hooters rule,” because I don’t think the pretty young women working for that restaurant chain look particularly attractive in those too-short shorts. Neither do you on the golf course.

Rule No. 6: Wear a shirt. Seems like a no-brainer, but I was surprised recently to read a golf course rule that men had to wear shirts in the clubhouse and on certain holes near the clubhouse. What? No pants rule?

Rule No. 7: Ball, yes. Cowboy, no. I wear a plain baseball-type cap when I play. And the porkpie hat of yore is a classic not seen much on tour these days – at least outside the annual PGA Tour event hosted by Justin Timberlake. But I’ve never been a fan of the pseudo-cowboy hat style made popular by Greg Norman. Rory Sabbatini has also gotten into the act with some gaudy “cowboy” lids splattered with corporate logos. If you can’t picture that, check out some Sabbatini images online, or close your eyes and imagine if someone threw up on John Wayne.

Rule No. 8: Hold the cheese. Wisconsin native Mark Wilson famously wore a Cheesehead last season while winning a PGA Tour event on Super Bowl Sunday. It was a cute, one-time trick. I hope.

Rule No. 9: Know the skort. I have this friend who is a runner, not a golfer. My buddy, who will remain nameless, told me the hilarious story of how he went for a run a few years ago in an odd pair of running shorts he purchased for himself. At least, he thought they were shorts. I’m told this lovely little number made a fabulous impression on his neighbors. They’re still talking about it.

Rule No. 10: Be modest while bending over to pick your golf ball from the hole.*

* ­– Applicable for men wearing too-short shorts and women with exposed midsections.

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